My heart is heavy.
In the last little while some dear friends have shared sad stories with me. It's really got me thinking about this world we live in.
Sufjan Stevens has a song called John Wayne Gacy Jr. You may be familiar with the song or the man it is written about. On the outside he seemed like an ordinary man but underneath he was a murderer. He killed many young men and hid their bodies in his house. He was caught and brought to justice.
But what gets me is the last refrain of the song.
In my best behaviour
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid.
It gets me every time.
There are things we have done and things that have been done to us that we hide away. We hide them because they are not nice and they shouldn't see the light of day and yet they still remain hidden beneath our floorboards.
I'm not suggesting we bear our hearts on our sleeves all the time in fact I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just realising that my heart is always breaking for this world and longing for a different one.
I think about the times that I hold myself up against others and find myself wanting. The thing is that I see myself. I see the creaks and cracks that lie underneath the floorboards.
What I don't see is the things they have suffered. I don't see their pain, guilt, suffering, longing. We are all in the same boat. We have all been broken.
As a Christian I know there is hope. I know there is repair but for now, for this moment I just want to sit in that thought. I want to remember how bad it got before it got better.
I want to weep for my friends who suffered something no person should ever have to. I want to stand in unity with them and say I see you.
I want to long for a day when things might be put right. When in stead of being just like a gruesome murderer hiding my secrets away I can be the way I was created to be.
Just like Him.