2013 - I am done

Last night. Christmas night. I was chatting to Myl in the car.

"I want to go home." I said.
"But we don't have a home."

For all they say about home being where the heart is I just don't feel it.

We've felt the extreme blessing of great family and friends to stay with. I will forever be grateful for the love poured out to us these past weeks but I'm so done. I'm just ready to have a home.
I don't want to be a wandering gypsie anymore. It's no longer cute.

It's been a long year. I'm not going to lie. It's been a long hard year.

I can't help but feel disappointed in myself. I've dropped so many balls and let so many time. I have spent most of the time feeling guilty and the rest way over my head.

I haven't been the woman I wanted to be in so many ways.

So I'm cutting myself free of this blog. I've lost the joy in doing it. Nobody reads it but my parents and I can just pick the phone up and call them.

It's not fun anymore I just feel guilty about it.
It makes me feel like a big failure.

I love reading back over the posts and reading my thoughts and seeing the pictures and it makes me sad I can't document smalls in the way I did the little one but I need to stop.

Maybe one day I'll get back into it. Reclaim the joy.

But for now, it's goodbye.

Christmas crafting - gift tags

After being faced with a whole lot of brown paper shopping bags destined for the bin I decided to put them to a better purpose. Gift tags.

It's easy. Just draw a cute design and cut it out. Take care to leave room for a to and from or just pop it on the back. 

A bit of sticky tape, some sweet wrapping paper and voila! Some super lovely gifts.

 

today today

Image from She Reads Truth.

Yesterday we found out that our gypsy wanderings are far from over.

We had been told we could move in at the end of the month but by nobody's fault really that date has been strung out to the 20th of Jan. Twenty extra days. Forty days from today.

Forty days in the wilderness I thought.

I was sad and pretty angry. I have children who need a home. Heck I need a home! I miss my craft supplies and my stuff. I miss having a wardrobe.

I spent a lot of yesterday being grumpy. I would have to wait wait wait for the 20th.

And then it dawned on me.

These 40 days are no small amout of time. 40 todays to be used and enjoyed not resented and endured.

I can choose to grumble and pity myself or embrace the adventure. 

My mum told me that one day I will look back on this time and it will seem short and insignificant. A mere memory. 

I have the choice to shape that memory into something I regret or something I think of fondly.

God says to trust him and lean not on your own understanding. I know that through the bible when people wandered for 40 years or 40 days it was for great purpose and great good. So I can rejoice in trusting him these next few weeks and find joy in the adventure he has in store.

The Jack of Hearts and Jude

We sneaked out of the house on Wednesday leaving our gals with fairy godmother Sal.

Off we drove to Engadine to have brunch at The Jack of Hearts and Jude.

It's a lovely little place tucked in the Waratah arcade. The service was slow but sweet. They were very apologetic so I don't think it's always like that but hey, who is rushing at 11am for brunch? 

The food was yummy. We ordered the smoked salmon and poached eggs and the leek and cheese scrambled eggs. We shared.

I had a chai which was freshly made from spices when it was ordered. (YES)

Myl had a coffee which was nice but not strong. 

It all felt really sweet and homey and made me want to open my own cafe and love my dream of being Anna Pascall from Stranger Than Fiction. But that's just me...

We're new to the south! Do you live round here? Where do you like to do brunch?

week two - the recovering sick ones

The last part of our wandering story left us out in the country, sick and wounded being cared for by ma and pa.

It must have been something about the fresh country air but I was feeling much better the very next day. Myl had a few sleep in sick days and the girls perked up to see granny and waa waa.

Despite the more than usual toddler tantrums and the baby who decided not to eat solids most of the week we had a pretty great time. 

Lucy just adores her grandparents. Each night we pray with her and I ask what she is thankful for. Each night it was granny and waa waa. She would then explain in great detail what it was they did that day and what they would do tomorrow.

"We will do some chasing, and playing piggy in the middle, and stomping our feet."

We went on a little day trip to Orange and milthorpe. We had sushi and stopped for afternoon tea at the mill cafe. We then looked through this shop and I caught Myl buying me a few sneaky presents. 

I took my big girl on a much needed mama date. We went to Annie's ice cream a Bathurst institution. I can never go past the bridle track ice cream with chunks of Turkish delight and marshmallows. Lucy requested "pink".

I went on a trip down memory lane back to my old school for carols. You can read about that whole experience here. 

Myl and I left the kids with G and WW and headed to town for some dessert and Catching Fire at the movies. After a drive round town we discovered that NOTHING is open on a Tuesday night in B town so we made do with choc tops at the movies. (Dad later suggested maccas...) You really know you're a parent when the last time you went to the movies together it was to see the first hunger games movie. 

christmas crafting - advent

I made our little family an advent calendar.
you could make one too. It's not too late!

We're filling it up with sweet bible verses and sweet treats.


















The hessian was super hard to sew on so it gave the whole think a rustic jaunty look... lets say it was intentional.

I hope this humble calendar of ours helps to focus on the little baby sent by God to earth and that each gift of a sweet treat reminds us of the sweetness we enjoy in knowing him.

Here is some more Christmas pinspiration.

go back where you came from

There's a Nelson Mandela quote that goes something like

It is interesting to go back to somewhere that hasn't changed to find the ways you have changed yourself.

yesterday I went back to my little old school for a carol service that was run by the school and my parents church. 

There I was in the place I had spent so much of my teenage tears. 

Five (and sometimes more) days a week. Six long years.

There were the buildings more or less the same, there were the students wearing the same uniform. There were the teachers. My old music teacher led the ban I used to play in on the stage I'd played on before. Other teachers scattered round the hall the way they used to do at weekly assembly. Our eccentric English teacher swaying and crooning along with the carols, another taking endless photographs from the upstairs viewing platform. 

Just as the had always done.

The memories flooded back. 

Performances, practices, lessons, friendships. Adventures in the secret tunnels and under the stage. The times we went to sports practice and the times we didn't. Sitting in the freezing cold day house and being allowed to take our ties off when it was hot. Swimming carnivals, modern history, meat pies, videos. Hopeless food tech classes, going to the bathroom when maths was on, climbing through windows to fetch my violin, passing notes to boys. Cadets, reading group, Jim Morrison, camp, substitute teachers.

But I don't belong in that place anymore. A few photos and a name in gold letters on the captains board is all that remains.

And I have changed. While the school plodded on I have left. I have learned many things, I have grown up, become a wife and a mother twice over. I think of the way the world looked back then an realise I have grown. My cares are deeper but my knowledge is greater. My responsibility is larger but my opportunities are too. 

It was nice to sit and think about the times we had at school. But I don't belong there anymore. It has stayed the same but I have changed. I have grown up.

And that's ok.

the gypsies - week one

We packed up our house just over a week ago. It feels like an age.

Our last day in Newtown was a rainy one. We had camped on our bedroom floor after packing up all our things into a storage container.
We had breakfast at our go-to cafe for the very last time. I had the pancakes. With ice-cream.
Time to celebrate eh?



















Then it was a long day of cleaning.
We had booked a steam cleaner to come at 3pm.
When he turned up at one I freaked out. I had to move everything off the carpets.
I was home alone.
When the guy I imagined to be a short middle eastern man turned out to be a tall blonde stereotypical Scandinavian man I left the front door open. It all felt a little too much like a bad taste film.

After pack pack packing and clean clean cleaning we headed to the country. I had a cramp in my scrubbing arm and as we drove off after dropping off our keys I began to feel so sad.
It was the end of an era.
Four long joyful hard blessed years.
And just like that, it was gone.

We drove west for my nieces first birthday, spent the weekend there and then drove down the inland route to Ulladulla. It was so great to drive a different way. It was mostly the same way we drove to our honeymoon and brought back some lovely memories.

We holidayed by the beach with college friends. It was a GREAT week.
I'm going to miss seeing those people regularly. We had seven adults and six kids in a little shack by the sea. We swam and ate and drank port. We chatted and laughed and told very immature jokes.

By Friday we were feeling well rested and happy.

Our youth group camping plans had been cancelled because of rain and the youth camp was happening at church so we headed up the coast to Sydney.

I should have known something was wrong when the little one had an accident en route. A messy accident. And then I got tired. Real tired.

My throat was sore, my head pounding. I ached. I could barely get out of the car to fetch doughnuts from Berry. In fact I didn't. I attempted it then Myl had to come to the rescue. 

The little ones were grizzly. I can only imagine they felt it too but had no words to tell me.
We got to the church hall, set up, and slept.

The next day was a bit of a blur. I slept and got up, slept and attempted food. The girls slept and played. Myl was an angel. And then he got it too.

We stayed the night with friends but our plans to go camping all the next week we feared would need to be put on hold. We needed somewhere to rest and recuperate. Somewhere to lick our wounds. So I write this sitting on the lounge at good ole Mum and Dads. We're here for the next little while till we feel all better and then...who knows!