19 March 2011
on the ledge...
It's a quick trip from playing "little piggies" with a toddlers toes to packing her up for college.
These were the fist words in a book on parenting I have just started reading. The moment I read them I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and the longing in my heart.
I am standing on the very thin ledge between pregnancy and motherhood. My sweet baby girl is only days away from coming out.
I can remember when she was just an idea. When we wanted to start trying for a baby I would imagine what it would be like to be pregnant, to be a mama. I remember finding out about her. Of course she wasn't a her at the time. Just a little line on a stick. A tiny little being with all the possibilities in the world. We watched her grow as my belly swelled up. We saw her ultrasounds. I waited longingly for her first movements and cried out with joy when I firs felt her kick. We found out she was a she and watched her wriggle round in her watery home. I have felt her growing. I have watched her turn my belly into a gymnastics apparatus. She has gone from a tiny little fertilised egg to our beautiful baby girl ready to be born.
It has been a long journey but at the same time it has gone so quickly. Over the last eight or so months I have known of her existence I have fallen in love with her so deeply. She has been in my thoughts most of the time. She has been in my dreams and in my imagination.
As I sit on this ledge my imagination stretches out into the future. I am looking forward to playing little piggies with her toes but will I then blink and be packing her up to move away from home. WIll I be standing there watching her walk down the aisle to her husband thinking "Where did my little girl go?"
I'm going to get to know this little girl so well. I'm going to be her mama.
Lately God has been teaching me so much about what it means to be wise. I want so much to be wise in the way that I look after my little girl. I want to say the right things and do the right things and teach her to be wise too. God has also been teaching me about his endless grace. That wisdom comes from Him and He freely gives it to us. What a precious gift!
I want to be a mama filled with grace for my little girl too. I want to show her Gods love.
As I stand on this ledge I pray that I will remember to show her His love. I pray that I will be loving and kind and a good listener but I also pray that in the times that I am not that I will say I'm sorry, I will talk to her, I will show her grace.
My little girl is going to be out before I know it. She will grow up before my eyes and one day I will see her standing beside me as a woman. I want to feel the same way about her then as I do now. Unconditional love and endless opportunities.
It's so hard to believe that this little one will be here so soon. I want her so much. I am so humbled that God gave me to her to be her mama and Myles to be her dada. My heart longs to hold her tight, to kiss her sweet forehead and whisper that I love her.
She will be here soon. She will be small and helpless but she won't stay that way. My daughter will be born. God willing she will grow big and strong. Her heart will be for the Lord and she will be so full of life.
And I will know her so well.